What the Heart Wants
by like.CSI.real
Summary: Maybe...maybe it wasn't an acting exercise after all, maybe he was finally learning to play himself. Jesse's thoughts in 'Funk'.


**A/N – been driving me crazy, so I wrote it down, I WILL get to my other stories…eventually, but my life has been SO busy, and I keep getting sick, its not nice. **

**But, I'm like OBSESSED with glee, and especially . **

**I seriously cried when I saw 'Funk' **

**So here it is:)**

"_You know me as Jesse St. James, the lead singer of Vocal Adrenaline, your competition at regionals. I want to introduce you to Jesse, the guy who's nuts about you, the guy who would never hurt you.__**"**_

Jesse St. James knew how to act. That much was obvious. He would not falter on the stage or during ANY acting exercise. He was Jesse St. James; he was living, breathing perfection. It was an obsession. Therefore, he acts, and damn he can act well. So when Shelby asks him to 'befriend' Rachel Berry in order for her to connect to her daughter, of course Jesse accepted. However, he decided to take it up a few notches. Being someone's friend came easy to him, Jesse wanted a challenge.

But Jesse didn't know how to love. He had never received it. He didn't expect it. Especially not with Rachel Berry, someone slightly flawed, yet perfect in every way. She was dramatic, strong-willed, _beautiful, _Jesse hadn't expected this in the slightest. The contractions in his chest whenever he sees her, the shivers he gets when he hears her sing. It was no act; it was real.

So eventually, the act slipped, and soon, he was becoming the character he was playing. Enjoying Will Shuesters little glee club, as little as their chances at regionals stood against Vocal Adrenaline. Enjoying his and Rachel's Friday movie nights at her house with her two gay dads. He found himself in animate conversations with both of them. And it was Jesse talking, no act or façade, just Jesse.

But of course, it had to end. Shelby and Rachel's reunion did not last long and soon he had to leave New Directions and rejoin Vocal Adrenaline, with strict instructions from Shelby not to tell Rachel of their scheme. So he forced a showface and agreed to join in with the tradition of Vocal Adrenaline, to funkify the other teams.

When they had finished their rendition of 'Another One Bites the Dust' he got a chance to look at her and his showface slipped. He left before the whole act would fall apart. Jesse had worked too hard to let his team down now, especially not for a girl.

The reason Jesse didn't know how to love was because their was never anyone for him to give this love too. The only times he remembers seeing his parents was at Christmas, for exactly 3 minutes and 46 seconds before they left for a party, leaving ten-year-old Jesse alone with his baby white grand piano, not even stopping to watch him play 'Holy Night' for them.

Jesse didn't let this bother him. He put his love, along with his heart and soul, into his performance. To perfect it in the hope that maybe his parents would notice him. They never did, and this meant that Jesse was not perfect, and this was what he needed to be.

So when his team decide to step it up a bit, deciding to egg Rachel, Jesse hesitates. Maybe this isn't worth it. He was happy with Rachel. He doesn't want to do this. The team questions his loyalty, forming a circle around him with their arms crossed, and he agrees. Because he's Jesse St. James, and Vocal Adrenaline are the closest thing to family he has. So he swallows the lump in his throat and commands Rachel to the parking lot, pleading with his mind that she refuses. She doesn't.

But you see, Jesse St. James can act. So when he smiles at waves at her, he makes it seem as real as it can be. However as he sees the rest of Vocal Adrenaline coming out from the cars, his showface smile drops along with his stomach. All he can do is watch as the eggs hit her harshly. He can feel himself flinching at the sound of the shells cracking against her soft skin.

Because, Jesse can't act. Jesse is still that lonely little boy his parents forgot about. Jesse has insecurities, just like everybody else. Jesse has feelings, something Vocal Adrenaline do not possess in order to pull of a sensational performance. Jesse loves Rachel with everything that he has, something he's never been able to do.

But being Jesse will get him nowhere, that's what he's learnt.

He takes one last look at the egg in his hand before slowly walking up to her, his heart beating too fast for him to take. Jesse St. James smirks, leaning in to whisper something to her.

"I loved you." _I still do. _


End file.
